Bittersweet

As I listened to my son’s wail, my own heart was breaking. I pulled him close, wishing I could somehow protect him from this pain. But I could not. “I’m sorry, buddy. Loving people hurts.” One thing I have recently done is allow myself the permission to grieve. As a child, I was bullied and learned to hide my sadness. It became a badge of honour to never allow myself to cry, especially publicly. Instead, I would bottle up my emotions, and later they would come out as anger, even though I wasn’t actually angry. Anger can be a cop out for unprocessed pain. I have learned it is far better to accurately name the emotion, which enables me to deal with it correctly. 

It’s okay to grieve the loss of relationships. When I say goodbye to my parents, and other older friends, I never know if it’s for the last time. Our lifestyle means that we’re often transient, not permanently in any one place. As a result, loved ones back home can have a tendency to move on; to almost shut themselves off towards us. It’s a defense mechanism, to protect themselves from the pain of getting too close. 

Every goodbye is bittersweet. When I left our new home to return to my home country, I said goodbye to my husband for what ended up being just over 100 days. Even though I didn’t know it would be for so long at the time, the days ahead stretched before me ominously. It seemed overwhelmingly painful as we said goodbye. Yet, I was also excited to see my family here. But as I say goodbye to them now, not knowing when I will see them again, I am at the same time looking forward to being reunited as a family again with my husband. It is a bittersweet emotion…joy and sorrow mingled together in a complicated emotional roller-coaster. You cannot enjoy the beauty of love without the sorrow of loss, yet the emptiness of being closed off is far worse. I will allow myself to feel the pain, to grieve and to cry…as well as to feel the joy, as both emotions swirl within. And the anticipation of heaven is sweetened for us, as we look forward to a time when we shall all be together, never to face the pain of separation again.