How God Changes a Heart

“Remember that once you dreamed of being where you are now.” Unknown 

How poetic, and yet it is not my story. It just goes to show that God can do abundantly above all that we ask or think. 

When I was a teenager, I was a bit of a feminist. I wanted to serve God full-time, not “just” be a wife and a mother. In fact, I did not want to be either one. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a single woman serving God wholeheartedly. But in my case, my whole attitude about it was wrong. God led me to surrender to be willing to be married and then later to be willing to have children. This was not easy for me at the time! It was many years later before I finally married my husband. By that time, my desires had definitely changed regarding marriage, but I still wasn’t sure about those children…however, after being married, God began to fill me with an overwhelming desire to be a mother. And then the painful years of infertility hit. You might be thinking, “Well, serves you right! You didn’t want them to begin with, so that’s a just punishment.” And perhaps you would be right. But oh, the pain as month by month slipped by, and I began to give up hope. In the midst of these 4 years of infertility, I wrote a poem which describes this struggle.

The Empty Nest

Each day the nest was built and shaped

With love and hope and care

While weeks and months crept slowly by…

And yet the nest stayed bare.

In other trees, the other birds

Sang sweetly to their own.

But in this tree, two little birds

Sat quietly, alone.

Each day the hope grew fainter till

It was no longer there.

Discouragement replaced the love

Deep pain replaced the care.

And words alone cannot describe

The magnitude of pain

When hope deferred makes sick the heart

And comforts all are vain.

But God, all-knowing, sees each bird

None falls without His care

He’ll give me joy for mourning

For He’ll hear my feeble prayer.

The spirit of heaviness He’ll take

The garment of praise He gives

Let sorrow flee and pain depart

For I serve a God who lives!

And so, though nest is empty still

These birds have learned to sing.

A sacrifice of praise springs forth

To God, the King of Kings!

Tis true (tho’ I don’t understand

Why He gave an empty nest).

I am assured — you can be, too

That He always does what’s best!

I finally came to the end and just said, “Okay, God. If this is the reason” (something He had revealed to me as a possible reason for withholding children), “then I am okay with it.” Full of peace, I knew that it was settled. Less than a month later, I was looking at my first positive pregnancy test! 

An older friend told us that our lives would begin when our baby was born. I didn’t really believe him. After all, I was 32 when I became a mother. That was over 3 decades of living! But now, less than 2 years after he joined us, I acknowledge the cliché. I can barely remember my life without him, nor do I want to. The Lord has allowed me to become pregnant again, and I marvel at His mercy and kindness. I can hardly believe I struggled to surrender to what I now count as my greatest blessings and highest calling: to be a wife and a mother. 

Perhaps you’re reading this, and you’ve always wanted to be a wife and a mother, but God has not given you that gift. I can truly hurt with you, for I know a small sample of the pain of those unfulfilled longings. They are, after all, longings which God has given, and they aren’t wrong in themselves, but we must be careful not to make idols of them just the same. God wants our surrender, whatever that looks like in your life. I do not know why He works as He does, but I do know one thing: He always does what is best!